Domestic Violence can happen to anyone. Domestic violence isn’t just what the eye sees. It can happen with financial abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, legal abuse, and physical abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic violence, it is defined as the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats, and emotional/psychological abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence varies dramatically (https://ncadv.org/statistics).
The statistics are alarming
In the United States, an average of 20 people are physically abused by intimate partners every minute. This equates to more than 10 million abuse victims annually.
- 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner
- 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have been severely physically abused by an intimate partner
- 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked. Stalking causes the target to fear she/he or someone close to her/him will be harmed or killed.
I am going to explain how domestic violence turned my life around.
I witnessed my mother being physically abused by my father. It was a horrible feeling, watching the woman I loved, and was protected by, thrown down a flight of stairs.
Not soon after this even I remember being 6 years old and in 2nd grade. We moved out of our home. We packed up everything, put it into storage and we lived for 2 days in a domestic violence shelter. I so remember watching a little girl filled with excitement to own my old boots that had holes in the toes. I didn’t understand why she was so excited. Now, 32 years later, I completely understand.
Fast forward to 2005. I am pregnant, not married, with the man I thought loved me more than anything, put me on a pedestal and worshipped the ground I walked on. I found out I was pregnant. When I announced it, that is where the violence started. It was pushing, name calling, refusing to go to any of the prenatal appointments, financial abuse, so bad that he would take the phone and keyboard to work with him. There were many times he would leave a car but no keys, I had to cancel several appointments for baby check ups because I had no transportation. I wasn’t allowed to work, go to school, nothing other than stay home and take care of “his” daughter. It would be bad and then it would get really good again.
After my oldest son was born it was “good” for about 3 months. Until I needed diapers. I was told that it was my responsibility, with no job and no education I moved in with my mother. She completely understood.
This is where the legal abuse started. He wanted his visitation time with the baby he had never spent more than 15 minutes with. So I was served papers. I decided I could make anything work with him as long as I could tuck my baby into bed at night. I went back to him.
Fast forward 2 years, I told him he was to marry me or I was moving on… I wanted a family, a whole family for my son. We married in Disney World. Right away I got pregnant. It was good for about 2 years. Until I decided to go back to school. I moved in with my mother again and he promised me he would help with caring for the boys while I took classes. I missed my first day because he was unreliable. My mom agreed to drive 45 minutes each way so I could go to college.
The abuse was getting worse and worse. It wasn’t until my mom sat me down one day and explained to me that I was allowing him to teach my boys that it’s ok to treat me bad. It was eye opening, shocking, and I couldn’t believe that I was allowing this to happen. Then one night while I was sleeping I was awakened to pain. I was being punched while I slept with my youngest son. My natural instinct was to cover him. When I did that it revealed my whole left side, that would later be covered in bruises. I didn’t know why this was happening, it was 3 am and after the attack he was gone. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was bleeding from my ear, his wedding ring had cut my ear open, my youngest son wandered into the bathroom with me and said, “Mommy bleeding.” I was shaking, I was crying, I was scared. I called 911. He was taken away. Immediately there was a no-contact order that he violated 3 times. In all of the breaking up and getting back together, I went through that 5 times before I left for good.
He was forced out of our home by the court, leaving the boys and myself to live in the house. The boys and myself continued going to school. Until one day, 2 weeks before Christmas, we had just put the tree up and CPS called, stating if I took my boys into my house I would have them removed from my custody. He had the house tested for black mold and it came up positive. I had to move out and leave everything behind because it was contaminated.
So long story short, my neighbor allowed us to live there while I finished my first degree and we moved out into our own house on the other side of town. Living across the street from him was horrible but at that point I had nothing else to do. Now the question remains, did I feel protected by a piece of paper? Did feel comfortable allowing my children to go spend parenting time with the man who abused me? The answer is simple.
I ended up going though a very ugly, “High Conflict” divorce. And through all of that I am still confused on how the court systems can have domestic violence cases go through the same steps and mediation as normal couples. I did make one huge change for me and the boys through this, we did receive 18 months of therapy at our local domestic violence shelter. I truly believe it was through this support I am able to be the strong woman I am today. I know it isn’t my fault, and am able to understand that I can not change people if they do not want to change. I was out of weakness. I had to find strength and love for living.
Happy Ending
Here I am still having to share custody with him. All of the parenting that I do with my boys is completely UN-done when we go there, but now the boys are seeing why we are not there and I am married to the wonderful man that I am. 2.2 degrees later, a teaching career, and a healthy, strong mind. It is true what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, and I am living proof.
The wheel above is the wheel of domestic violence. It starts with the honeymoon, this is where I was put on the pedestal, then the tension built, which leads to the explosion. And it happens again and again. It is called a wheel because it rolls. The cycle of abuse continues, and repeats it’s self again and again.
According to North Korea domestic violence is prevalent and there is “very limited awareness” about the issue and a lack of legal services, psycho-social support and shelters available for victims, the panel said. They also explain that the report found that penalties for rape in North Korea were not commensurate with the severity of the crime, which also often goes unpunished. Legal changes in 2012 lowered the penalties for some forms of rape, including the rape of children, rape by a work supervisor and repeated rape. So in conclusion, if you are a victim of domestic violence you do have a better chance of being protected by the law if you are in the U.S court system.
References
World Health Organization- http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/
Haven- https://www.haven-oakland.org/about
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence- https://ncadv.org/statistics
North Korea News- https://in.reuters.com/article/northkorea-un-rights/north-korean-women-suffer-discrimination-rape-malnutrition-u-n-idINKBN1DK1EL
Deirdre
Hello Jen,
I am sorry to hear that you went through all of what you did but I am very happy to hear that you are a survivor and that you did not allow it to break you. I was also very happy to know that you and your sons received counseling after such an ordeal. As part of this week’s resources, the In Brief video titled The Impact of Early Adversity on Children’s Development (Harvard, n.d.). discussed how negative experiences encountered by children affect their mental and behavioral development but with intervention and parental nurturing it can be combatted. You are a true inspiration and I thank you for sharing your story.
Reference
Center on the Developing Child–Harvard University. (n.d.). InBrief: The impact of early adversity on children’s development. [Video file]. Retireved from http://developingchild.harvard.edu/index.php/resources/multimedia/videos/inbrief_series/inbrief_impact_of_adversity/
Julie
Hi Jenn,
What a heart-wrenching story! You never know what battles people are having to endure. It is a blessing how you were able to finally see the cycle of abuse, then choose to not allow it anymore. Your children are your number one priority always. No one should ever be first but them. They are the innocent ones. Have your children been counseled or supported through what they had witnessed? Although your situation is peaceful at this time, have your boys been able to work through all of this?
Jenn Faul
Hi Julie,
Yes we have all had 18 months of different kinds of counseling. Group, one-on-one, and even play therapy. I love them dearly and feel sorry they still have to visit him and continue to witness the abuse he has with others.
Jenn
Danielle Thompson
Hello Jenn,
I am sorry that you had to go through that, but life teaches us many lessons. I was in a domestic violence relationship with my oldest father and it became very scary. I blamed myself for years until I had my daughter. My mother would sit me down as well but she never knew the entire story. I would never tell her that he physically abused me. She only knew about the emotional and verbal abuse.
I love the wheel that you provided. It is very important that people are aware of the signs. February 2, 2017, one of my closest friends and her 2-year-old daughter was murdered by the father. We didn’t know that he was threatening her or verbally abusing her. He just showed up and killed them outside of her house. Very sad that we don’t take the warning signs seriously.
Thanks again for telling your story.
Sharday Summers
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry that you went through that. It is amazing how you wen through so much and manage to find the positive, it made you stronger. I have worked with children who have witnessed domestic violence among their parents. You are strong and still pursuing your dreams. I know that you are strong from reading your story. Why do you think Korea do not have many resources? I can only imagine how many people get away with it.
Amanda McFadden
I am so sorry to hear what you have endured but I am also very encouraged. According to Jane Doe Inc, a coalition against domestic violence in Massachusetts, domestic violence and domestic violence tolerance can fall under the category of a learned behavior. By your mother speaking up about this to you and your willingness to remove your children from the situation, you prevented the continuation of family violence. You offered your children the opportunity to see that it was wrong, something to never make excuses over, and that leaving is an option! Thank you for your willingness to share such a personal story and for potentially empowering those suffering from a similar situation.
(http://www.janedoe.org/learn_more/what_is_dv)